Mother-daughter: a complex relationship

Mother-daughter: a complex relationship

Mother-daughter: a complex relationship
Mother-daughter: a complex relationship
Yes, we like it. But, we admit, it also annoys us sometimes ... Often even. How to navigate between small and big frustrations? Here are some ways to avoid the worst and hope for the best.

Marianne judges the relationship she has with her "normally complex" mother, that is to say made ups and downs, tenderness and excitement, joys and frustrations. "By cons, since I have children, the frustrations are more numerous, says the woman of 38? years. My mother began to interfere in my manner of raising them and criticizes me quite often about it. I know that it starts from a good intention, but it annoys me anyway. "Most often, Marianne cashes without replying. Sometimes she tries to explain, to justify herself, to make her mother understand how she sees things in relation to her daughters, aged two and four. "My mother thinks I'm not firm enough, that I'm not consistent, that I should not be sleeping with my little one, that the daycare is not great, etc.," she says. But what annoys me the most is that she sometimes makes me doubt myself. "Whether you're a child, teenager or adult, our connection to our mother has an emotional impact that no other relationship does not own. "The mother-daughter relationship is one of the most complex," says psychologist Rose-Marie Charest. When something annoys us at home, it annoys us all the more because we identify with it. Our sensitivity to our mother is often exacerbated. Even as an adult, one often remains very sensitive to one's gaze, to one's judgment. "Thus, whatever the reason why our mother irritates us - she poses herself as a victim or, on the contrary, as a rival, we criticize, we drink from advice, mingles with our lives, still considers us as a little girl, is possessive, manipulates us, is negative, etc. - there is a good chance that we will react with intensity.

When it becomes problematic

That she annoys us because she can tell 20? the same story, that it cooks the asparagus too much or that it puts the volume of the TV much too much is one thing. If our relationship is compromised for these reasons, we would probably be interested in seriously questioning ourselves. Small irritants are common in all relationships: with our friends, our lover, our children, our neighbors, our colleagues, etc. Even pure strangers can sometimes annoy us. At this point, our patience and tolerance, and sometimes two or three polite words exchanged, will clear without much trouble these minor inconveniences.


"However, this becomes problematic when the behaviors or the irritating remarks of our mother are more and more frequent", explains Véronique Moraldi, healer, author of the daughter of her mother, of the difficulty of the relations mother-daughter (Éditions de l ' Male, 2006). "[It is too] when the subject of irritation is particularly important to us or when our mother has crossed the threshold of what we can tolerate. Similarly, when irritation gives way to intolerance to create a dispute that will lead to a conflict, and perhaps to a spacing of visits, or even a momentary break. "There are in his mother little things that annoy Catherine. Just as it must also fall on the nerves of it from time to time. But what is Catherine, 43? years, never managed to get used, what are the reproaches that his mother of 72? years does to his father, who has 80.

"When my father stopped working about ten years ago, my mother began to criticize her from time to time," says Catherine. Then it became more and more frequent: he understands nothing, mixes everything, forgets, leads more and more badly, etc. She tells me how much she is tired of having to do everything in the house, that he does everything wrong. In short, she empties her bag and, each time, it bothers me a lot. "According to Rose-Marie Charest, this irritant is very common among children of aging parents. "It's quite normal that it bothers us," said the psychologist. It's about our father and we do not want to hear our mother talk about him negatively or get caught between the two. "Catherine did try to evoke the subject but, fearing to hurt her mother, she did not only lip service.

"Even if a subject is sensitive, we must not refrain from addressing it, believes Rose-Marie Charest. On the other hand, one must show tact and delicacy. We can say for example to our mother that we understand his recriminations against our father, but that it bothers us a little to hear them, because, well, this is our father! In the same way that we would be sorry if he spoke to us about her in these terms. "Linda Gordon agrees: there is nothing we can not talk about. It depends on how you do it. Family therapist and author of Too Close for Comfort (Berkley, 2009), where she discusses intimacy in mother-daughter relationships, Linda Gordon believes that if one can first try to understand the behavior and motivations of our mother this understanding should not be at the expense of our well-being. "It's rare for a mother to consciously have hurtful intentions toward her daughter," she says. No matter what we do or say that annoys us, it is not to hurt us, at least not consciously. However, the fact that we know it does not mean that we can not express what we feel. "
Delicacy and openness

When she was a teenager, how many times did Sarah hear her mother criticize her hair style, getting dressed, and even the way she envisioned life! "When you're young, it's not surprising that our mother does not agree with certain things, and it's not surprising that it gets on our nerves," said the 32-year-old woman. years. Except that, when we get older, we expect her to let go and accept us as we are. In my case, his critics of my way of living my life - I am single, I do not want a child, I travel a lot, I do not have a house; in short, I'm not case! - did not stop when I had 18? years. And it always fell on my nerves. So much so that it made me less and less willing to go see her. "Fortunately, Sarah managed to get the bar back and make a lot of improvements, if not completely resolved.

To talk about a delicate subject, it is better to try to create a positive environment. Sarah invited her mother to dinner in an Italian restaurant, her favorite cuisine. And they talked. "I explained to my mother that I understood that she wanted only my property, that it was a good mother, that I loved her, but that I had my values and that my choices made me perfectly happy. "The discussion continued, the mother-daughter outings at the restaurant became a monthly meeting. "If we let the unspoken and the frustrations take over, we do not get out," says Sarah.

And we can not do it either if we do not understand what makes us nervous. "What is the behavior that irritates us in our mother and why does it irritate us so much? It must be clear to us, says Rose-Marie Charest. One may also wonder: and if it was a friend who had this behavior, would that irritate me as much? The answer may be yes, but in most cases it will be negative. "" I think we all dream of an understanding mother, who accepts us totally without saying a word, who supports us in all our choices. , etc., said Sarah. In short, we all want an ideal mother, as our mothers have surely wished too. But a mother is first and foremost a human being, no? "To improve things between us, we will have to face the facts: we will not change our mother. "If what annoys us is the fact that our mother is anxious, we will not change that," said Rose-Marie Charest. It can be encouraged to change a behavior, a way of doing things, but not what it is. "

And when talking is not enough? Catherine has tried several times to tell her mother that her father was not as difficult to live as she claimed, and that it bothered her a bit that she told him about him. "She was silent then instantly and did not say a word," said Catherine. It angered her. "The discussion stopped there and we forgot ... until the next recrimination of his mother towards his father. Of course, to say something that may disturb or even hurt can cause a negative reaction to the blow: our mother is angry, has trouble, is silent, shines. "And this reaction of our mother, we apprehend, as when we were a little girl, said Veronique Moraldi. Except that we are no longer one; we are an adult, emancipated, who must assert himself. And our mother must understand that. Which is the case for most of them, by the way. "So, what to answer to a mother who shines when it opens to her on what annoys us? "We should emphasize that it's important for us to be honest and forthright," says Linda Gordon. Tell him: Mom, I love you and I just want to be honest with you, but your reaction tells me I can not really be. "

Marianne has not spoken openly to her mother, but she feels she has to do it. The frustration she keeps inside will eventually burst. "It's inevitable," said Rose-Marie Charest. If we do not talk and we continually reduce our excitement, one day or another it will eventually come out, and probably "all wrong". "We must not wait for the annoyance is at its height. We choose to discuss when we are calm and all is well between us. We can also talk to a friend or our lover, a person who will be more objective and give us a fair opinion. We also look at ourselves, to see what may irritate our mother, but she does not dare to tell us ... "Even adult, we remain the daughter of our mother, said Veronique Moraldi. But we must also grow. We are no longer in the claim, but in the exchange, the discussion, the sharing. Our mother sometimes annoys us, and we sometimes irritate her sometimes too, but the story between a mother and a daughter is a beautiful and great love story. This love usually ends up triumphing. "
Mother-daughter: a complex relationship Mother-daughter: a complex relationship Reviewed by Unknown on février 20, 2018 Rating: 5
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